It was December and I was pregnant with our third and final child. We were so excited and our kids were too. Our son wanted a little brother and our daughter wanted a real baby to hold! It was time for our 17 week appointment and we let our daughter come with to hear the baby’s heartbeat. But that day we heard nothing. Silence.
First we go into the exam room the doctor asks me how I have been feeling I tell him fine but tired! I look over at my husband and he is holding our daughter both giddy with excitement for the doctor to get out his fancy tool and do his thing. He is looking for the heartbeat and I think to myself “This usually doesn’t take that long.” But I still wait patiently. After about 5 minutes I look at my husband and all I see is confusion and worry in his eyes but he tells me everything is ok with his mouth. Then the Doctor says “I’m going to see if you can get an ultra sound real quick, I’m thinking that baby is in a funny spot.” Panic sets in, my daughter looks confused, my husband says he is going to have his mom come get her. By now I’m crying but still thinking that everything is okay because I have had 2 normal pregnancies.
So we go to ultra sound and the tech makes a sad looking face, I see my baby but he isn’t moving and he is curled up like he is sleeping. Then the doctor comes in the ultra sound room (which I know something is wrong now because they never come in) I see a tear in his eye and say ” Why are you looking at me like that?!” All he says is he is so sorry.
The next week was a fog. My husband was my rock and I could never of gotten through any of this without him taking care of me and making me feel normal again. But then, people start saying this to me ” You will get your rainbow baby.” I never heard the phrase before so I ask what it means. “After every storm comes a rainbow.” My first instinct after hearing this was honestly “WHAT?!” Why do people think they can replace things/people with other things and people? It’s painful and heartbreaking.
Did it suck losing a child ? YES. That’s just it he is our child! He is NOT a storm, he is not a dark time in my life, he is my baby and that’s what he will always be. The term “Rainbow baby” sounds like every bit of replacing him. I told my doctor, friends, and family that I would not be having another child. I can’t tell you how many people would say “Well what if something happens to one of your children or both ? You wouldn’t have any.” Thats right I wouldn’t because they are people and you don’t replace people with new people.
To be clear, I am not saying do not try again after losing a child! Absolutely try again if your family is not complete. Every piece of a family is important. Family is loving each person for everything they are.
We still believe our special boy Will is with us. Every day we can count on seeing a tiny cardinal sitting on our swing set and we think it’s our little reminder of our sweet angel baby that we can not wait to meet one day.