There is nothing like that first time you hear your baby’s heart beat. That’s when it becomes a reality, you’re going to be some one’s daddy. You go through the motions, buying gross foods, making sure she is comfortable, putting together cribs, and putting up gates that you can’t open. Everything in the world is right and your lady is glowing like a lamp in the middle of the ocean at midnight.
Ten weeks in I found out via the new testing available I was going to have another little boy! My son and daughter were so happy and we were too.
Twelve weeks in and we are listening to the little guy’s heart, the doc seems pleased and sends us home. Now its 100% real and we need to pick a name that we feel will be a fit for our child and will suit him for years to come. William Allen Bryant. It was perfect in every way and so was he!
Seventeen weeks in we are at the O.B. office for a regular appointment. It was finally time for that part of the visit where you get to hear your child, we didn’t. The doctor told us not to worry and sometimes this happens the baby is probably just in weird positioning for us to hear right now. The next step was to go in for an ultra sound to make sure everything is okay. The tech started her thing, checking out the situation it seemed like she was quiet in comparison to the past times we had ultra sounds but I didn’t think anything of it, until the doctor walked in crying and said “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry honey.” leaning over my wife to give her a hug (he knew my wife personally as she went to school with his children). Never in my life have I felt so empty and useless.
As the father it seems that many don’t understand that we go through just as much as the mother does. Obviously the physical drama of this situation is something we dads cant do, but mentally we are in the same boat of the overflowing river of emotions with our wife- we won’t show it though. For the next few days all I could do was try to make sure my wife knew she did NOTHING wrong. I’d sneak away once in a while for about 30 seconds I would cry the hardest I ever have just silent tears and a clenched face and fists. After those 30 seconds it was back to seeming okay just a little sad and taking care of her.
After the first few days it was time to take action and get my wife moving, unfortunately time wasn’t stopping and we needed to get back to life (whatever that new life was). I had finally been able to now go a few hours at a time without my private mini break downs and had to get her out of the house to help her get to where I was.
Here’s the thing, you have to move forward and know that no one that hasn’t been through the loss of a child will understand. Just know that it SUCKS, it really sucks. Stay Strong brothers, it does get better! You are worth it too and you deserve to feel the way you do. You deserve the moments to be sad, after all you are some one’s daddy.